Angel Visit (Randyjw; August 31, 2018)
It’s been awhile since I’ve seen my human angel, who’s been taking it upon herself to help try to feed me. I was kindof glad not to see her, ‘cuz I don’t want her spending her savings trying to save me, when she could be saving more for herself and her boyfriend, whom I learned of this evening. I hope she doesn’t continue, because I’m going to feel like I’m going to have to move, so she can’t find me, but I really don’t have any more spots I know of to move to. I’m in my thirteenth spot, if I’m counting correctly, and I can’t really go back to any of them. Other people tell me I should not be like that, and let people help if they want, as I’m otherwise taking away their blessing (their “mitzvah,” we’d say in Hebrew, about this concept).
Well, somehow I think the universe is mocking me, as of late. At times, and even, sometimes, often — or, perhaps, mostly — I’m a jerk. Hahaha. No, but really. Like, lately, I’m just tired of giving away resources I need to other people who want them, too. I had actually made a concerted effort to try to be more selfish after my first marriage had ended, and I was still “giving” for years and years, after-the-fact.
So, I jettisoned the normally generous person I had been for most of my nice life, and became, sortof, Mrs. Scrooge. Not really, but I tried to stick to the plan. I never quite made it away from the generic “save the world” facets towards my efforts, but, on an individual level, I somewhat succeeded.
Or, failed. I mean, really. Who needs to become self-centered!? Well, there’s got to be balance. If you’re agreeable to everybody and generous to a fault, then there will be people who will take advantage of that, in the worst way. I know, as I’ve experienced it many times. Your energy and resources will be drained, and you will find nobody by your side when you have nothing left to give.
But, don’t be discouraged, and don’t be disheartened. Just try to pick yourself up, and realize that human nature contains the good, along with the bad. We’re not all good, and we’re not all bad. It’s alright to learn to say “no” and to not be a people-pleaser, as well as a doormat. It’s okay to expend energy on yourself to attain the goals you’d like to reach. Most people do, anyways; they just make it look like they’re not.
If you prefer alot of solitude — enjoy it. Life isn’t a popularity contest. Set your boundaries and let people know what they are. My problem in socializing is that I tend to overdo it by taking on too much, or too many people, at once. I’d be really gregarious and end up overextended, so that I’d wind up unable to sustain any of it, in the long-run.
If I look at it frankly, I don’t find much time in the day which would even allow for trying to get together with anyone. Between a work schedule, and the time you need to maintain your life, such as cooking, shopping, cleaning, maintenance of self and abode, and everything else, there really isn’t time left in the day to do so. I’d even turned down occasional offers of new friendship, for this very reason, so as not to hurt the feelings of people when they’d find themselves later disappointed at my pulling back from engagement, because it’s just too much for me, and I’d get tuckered out, and wind up irritable and sometimes snappy, when I got like this.
Well, there it is, in a nutshell. One of the reasons I am like I am. There are others, but those are for another time. Or, not at all. Not everything’s meant to be said.
But, to those of you, and maybe that’s most, to whom I’ve offended, I am sorry and I apologize. I’m not good with this, and I do have my issues. I think it’s part of who I am. I’m not sure I can change that, but at least I can explain it. I try to limit it by limiting my friendships, and acting in a more generic fashion. I think I’m not alone in this, especially in the social atmosphere. I hope by explaining it, you can understand. And by understanding, maybe you can forgive.
So, I’ve been especially crabby lately. My lack of sleep, because of my situation and the lack of courtesy to someone in my shoes, tends to bring out my irritability. So, I don’t feel like I deserve to be rewarded for this bad behavior.
But, I find myself suddenly receiving silly wishes granted. This is where I feel like I’m totally being mocked. It’s ridiculous! Like, suddenly, scrambled eggs showed up one day at the soup kitchen, just after I’d mentioned at the table that scrambled eggs with cheese was something I hadn’t had in a long time and missed. Then, like a jerk, I had the audacity not to even eat them when they showed up, because I was nauseated by the odor they were giving off, en masse.
I also wished for a bagel from one of those yummy bakeries; I missed those, too. Well, guess what? My visiting angel came by tonight and brought me three (!), along with a small orange, and some sweet and delicious blueberries! Yum! The bagel was delicious, and I’m thinking about eating another one, shortly.
But, what’s with this? I’m being guilted with the universe’s kindness. Ugh! I can’t take it! Now I see what they mean when they say “No good deed goes unpunished,” “The evil prosper,” and other kind of like sayings. I’m in a dilemma.